Episode Transcript (beta)

Relationships: He Needs, She Needs

Relationships: He Needs, She Needs

Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

Quarterbacks and Cheerleaders... c'mon now! Aren't those roles from ancient times? Shouldn't men cheer on our independent women? Rather than looking at what men and women want in relationships, we drilldown into what they need. In particular, we look at leadership and affirmation, and men & women's needs in both areas.

RELATIONSHIPS: HE NEEDS, SHE NEEDS

Winona 00:00:17 Welcome back. We are talking about a topic he needs, she needs. So honey does a man need affirmations?

Rob 00:00:27 Ooh, well, yes, a man needs affirmations. You know, there was a popular song that came out a few years ago… Ooooo, I think I've found myself a cheerleader.

Winona 00:00:39 Yeah, I remember that. And plus you’re making us sound old, but go ahead.

Rob 00:00:44 But you know, that's, that's on point whether you like the song or not, the guy's singing about having someone who is going to cheer for him, who's always going to be in his corner. Interesting as well. Here's the thing men generally, you know, I, I am, I am an ego-less person. You didn’t laugh, so you must agree with that. I do consider myself to have a lower ego than most males, but you still have one look ahead. Every, every everybody does, but even so, uh, with a supernaturally low ego, I still get pumped. Whenever someone gives me affirmations. When someone says, wow, you did a good job. A lot of times I can do that for myself. But at the same time, it's not really all that gratifying to pat yourself on the back. Okay. If someone is giving that affirmation to you, okay, then you get a sense of, I know you, you should draw your validation from a higher source. Yes you should. But there is a natural feeling of validation that you receive. Whenever your girlfriend, fiance, wife affirms what you did whenever they say you did a great job with that. I'm so proud of you.

Winona 00:02:10 Question kind of going also with it does a woman need affirmation?

Rob 00:02:14 I think everybody does. Everyone should be willing to say you did a great job with that. Okay. I think everyone that's part of showing, well, and some people for some people, their love language is going to be words of affirmation. Exactly. But no one's going to be put out by a sincere affirmation. Okay. Where it can go overboard, where it can be insincere is whenever you just say, wow, you did something awesome today. Really? What was it? Well, I don't know, but you're you, it must've been awesome. Oh, it should be tangible. She relates to something that I actually did.

Winona 00:02:55 And it's not just about what the person does. How about a woman wants to hear the affirmation to say, you know what, you're beautiful. This is where it's affirmation too. So it's not just about what you do, but also about making the person feel good. Does that make sense?

Rob 00:03:12 What if you were to take that, that perspective, do you feel better about an affirmation that reflects something that you put effort into? Or for example, if someone walks up to you and just says you have a really cute nose.

Winona 00:03:32 That's interesting. Okay.

Rob 00:03:34 I was like, okay, thanks. Or if someone says to you, wow, I really like how you styled your hair today. Okay. Now the nose, unless you got a nose job and designed it yourself, that's something that your parents and God collaborated on to put on your face, but you had nothing to do with it. However, if you spent 45 minutes in the mirror that morning, making your hair look just right, and then your date says, wow, your hair looks really great. Those 45 minutes have now been validated. You're like, wow. Yeah. You feel more connected to that affirmation than something that I'm really glad that you're a girl.

Winona 00:04:17 I mean, I, I understand that, but just realize with saying, you know, don't just feel like it's just, we, we don't want our listeners to feel like, Oh, it's just the stuff that the person does okay. Like I said, you want to tell a person, you look beautiful or your clothes are amazing. Your outfit, you put it together. It's stuff like that. So just, you know, yes, yes. Yeah.

Rob 00:04:42 And here's the danger of not doing that. Whenever you choose not to be affirming to your husband or be affirming to your wife, chances are there's someone out in the world who will be, that's true. And whenever those affirmations come in from another source, there's going to be a natural bond, natural tie to that other person. Even if your spouse does not want that. I mean, it's very alluring, attractive to be complimented. Yeah. And especially if they're doing it on point, not just, wow, you look so good today. If it's... that color of eyeshadow you chose today was, is really on point.

Winona 00:05:24 And that's very detailed. Exactly. And you expect to get that detailed type of information from your significant other

Rob 00:05:31 And this type of thing, that type of compliment, that type of affirmation, lets your spouse know. I see you. Yeah. Being seen is so attractive these days because there's just so much craziness going on in the world. You wonder is my spouse noticing everybody accept me or is my spouse noticing me? Does my spouse notice me? Just my presence. Do they notice, do they still notice the details about me? Yeah. And those kinds of affirmations will carry a relationship a long, long way. Oh yes, definitely. Yeah. Uh, a guy needs a cheerleader and ladies they'll appreciate those affirmations too. It's good. It's worth it. So let me ask you, as we talk about gender needs, he needs, she needs... men like to call themselves natural leaders. Yes. Do you feel that a woman needs to be led? Winona Yes and no.

Rob:  So what do you mean by yes and no. That's a deep response!

Winona 00:06:39 Well, that is a deep response and deep question that you just asked. Okay. So she needs to feel comfortable being led and the reason for the yes or no, she needs to be led. And again, this is me. This is because I’m God-centered, this is, this is who I am when it comes to that, it's okay to be led by men when she know that that man is getting everything that he needs from God. So he needs to listen that he's getting his information from God first so that he can lead his wife or his family. Okay. You know, so what was with saying that that's what, you know, she wants for him to lead is from that type of perspective.

Rob 00:07:23 So you're not saying when you're saying that a woman needs to be led, you're not saying that she's incapable of independent action, right?

Winona 00:07:31 I mean, there's a lot of independent women. Okay. And most independent women, there could be independent women that are still in relationship. You don't want to totally use your husband as a crutch. That is a wonderful parts to be independent on some things you don't, you, you want him to lead, you lead you of course, but you also need to do stuff on your own. Other than that, a woman should be independent enough to do those things on her own. She shouldn't wait for her husband to dress her. She shouldn't wait for her husband to brush her teeth. Those are just examples that I'm using... metaphors metaphors. There you go. So a woman should be independent enough to put her, her makeup. She's not waiting for her husband to put her makeup on for her. So that's what I mean again, about the metaphors of like you said, independent, but also again, like I said, going back when you were in a relationship with your husband and stuff and his role is to lead you, but he needs to get that information from God so that he can be leading you the right way because you don't want to be in a relationship with your husband and you see a ditch, you clearly see the ditch.

Winona 00:08:37 And he says, Oh, come on honey. And he's leading you directly to that ditch. Why is he leading you to the ditch for you? And of course you don't want to ask him, well, why are you leading me to the ditch? And there's another way around. Instead of going down into the detail,

Rob 00:08:49 Do you remember Ginny? We just talked with Ginny. Wasn’t it on Friday? Ginny, the lady at the bank, she was eye-opening for me. She's the lady that she would take all of her extra change and she would stash it away, any extra money that she had, she was stashed away and she would pay off the principal on their auto loans, on their on their mortgage. And he was not taking the lead in this area. He just signed up for the payments and said, okay, yeah, we're making payments. But she took a leadership role, actually an independent role to put the family in a better position. She didn't tell him, this is what we need to do. She just did it. And then later on, when he found that their mortgage was paid off early, the car was paid off early. They had extra spending money on vacations.

Rob 00:09:42 He was, he was asking what, where'd all this extra money come from. How do we do this? And she disclosed, this is what I've been doing. I don't go out and spend money on my own stuff. I don't go out on shopping sprees, all this extra money that I just took a little bit of control of. I put it towards the family. Now the way she spoke about her husband in this, she has a great love for him. But I do believe that she would have respected him more if it was his idea and his leadership that allowed them to get into a better financial position.

Winona 00:10:17 But I also understand, and I've heard this also from a, um, another couple where it wasn't that he wasn't able to lead his wife. He just was able to lead in different things that she needs to be led. True. So, so you came in and said, okay, well, you know, did she take over? She might've taken over in that part of their marriage, but doesn't mean that he wasn't leading her in other parts of the marriage.

Rob 00:10:44 I like that. I like that a lot because I would imagine that if he was unable to lead in any area of their marriage, it'd be a problem. She would lose respect for it. Exactly. It's not that she had the inability to take action and work independently because clearly Ginny does have the skills to operate independently, but it comes down to, does she have to do that across the board? Can she trust her man to lead? Is, is her man capable of being the leader? I think that is something that a woman does need. It's not that she needs to be. It's not that she needs to be led. She needs to know that her man is capable of leading. Cause otherwise let's face it. He turns into a pet.

Winona 00:11:29 Yeah. You know, and, and like I said, with the other couple, at the end of the day, she was leading in some things not taking over his job. Exactly. He was leading in some things. She, and she knew that he wasn't able to lead her in a certain direction. She knew that was something that he wasn't able to lead her in the direction. So she kind of led them to that. And then it was something else that he led her to another direction. So you know what I'm saying? So like, it, it evens itself out because like you say, you don't want to have a total have a, it'd be the relationship with a man and then he's able to lead you at all. Again, like you said, nobody wants to be married to a pet. So yes. It's still a team concept.

Rob 00:12:17 Team falls apart quickly. If the man cannot be trusted to lead and the way he can be trusted to lead is if he's getting his cues from the Lord. Right?

Winona 00:12:26 Exactly. And remember there's no, “I” in team.

Rob 00:12:32 There is a “me”. [Well, okay.] There's also meat! Actually, this was a great conversation that I'm going to continue learning from.

Winona 00:12:38 Myself. Me too.

Rob 00:12:41 Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect. Respectfully. We ask you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you'd really like some detailed guidance on habit, find and confirm true love. Come visit us at stepstofindtruelove.com. That's www.stepstofindtruelove.com blessings to you!