Relationships: Financial Distress

Relationships: Financial Distress Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

Financial problems is consistently listed among the top reasons for divorce, but the core of that reality is unmet expectations. We assume our own common sense in money matters is common in the couplehood. So, we overlook issues the stare us in the face. How do you take the blinders off and see those issues? What do you do if and when you see them? And how do you overcome when these issues creep up on you in your marriage?

#FindTrueLove

RELATIONSHIPS: FINANCIAL DISTRESS

Rob 00:00:16 This is Rob and Winona coming back at you from The Love Effect. We're doing this podcast inspired by things that are going on in the world around us today. And you see the thing is these are rough times that we're living in, but should those rough times disqualify you from love?

Winona 00:00:33 No, they should not disqualify you from love even though you go through rough times, doesn't mean that you still can't fall in love.

Rob 00:00:41 As you're going through these rough times. It's very easy to get so distracted by them that the thought of finding true love or the thought of keeping true love, that becomes sort of a fleeting fantasy because you start to believe that nothing good can happen for me. And how do you deal with that sort of feeling in your life whenever.

Winona 00:01:06 To fill in stuff like that best thing to do. And what I would recommend is to get into, to your word, get into scripture, get to something that will get you, get your mind at ease. That way when you are experiencing love is stuff that you are able to have a clear mind.

Rob 00:01:27 Okay. So what about the case when you are feeling secure with where you are and you meet someone who would probably be pretty amazing, but life is getting them down. For example, what do you do if someone that you're dating someone that you really admire and you discover that they're in financial distress because of everything that's going on today, how do you handle that?

Winona 00:01:53 You love them. You try to help them with their financial distress.

Rob 00:01:58 Well, Yes, you admire them, but you're not sure that you are loving them or in love with them. You don't know them that well, they could be an amazing person, but somehow they've got caught up in financial. It might be financial distress because of the lockdown in the pandemic. It might be financial distress because well, things just went in the wrong direction in their lives, or maybe they made some poor decisions. How do you help yourself discern which of those is a scenario and how do you gauge whether or not you should continue on into a deep relationship with that person?

Winona 00:02:35 They have a person with their founder to distress. I mean, if you get to a point where it's really truly, and they're that far gone with their financial finances after helping them, then that's when you need to go back and revisit it.

Rob 00:02:48 I see. I see. So I imagine there's some cases where someone is in financial distress and you actually don't know if there's an amazing person behind the trauma or not. You don't know if there is a relationship worth pursuing there. Do you just really just stay away from that? Because it could go either way or do you dig deeper to see if there's something, something to latch onto something to hold onto there? Depends on the person. What would you look for in that person to help you decide?

Winona 00:03:26 Yeah, they are still kind and still, you know, caring person and stuff like that. Then for actually you give that person a chance.

Rob 00:03:35 I like it. So what you're really saying is is that if someone is able to not allow the trauma, that's going on in one part of their life to not allow that to spill over, and toxify your relationship, if they can go through the cut in one area, but still be nice and kind and gentle with you, that's an indication that perhaps this is a good person to, to stay close to. Sure. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. So are there things that you can pick up on that would help you know, about a person's financial distress before you get too deep into a relationship with that person?

Winona 00:04:14 I mean, of course the red flags is if they are a half a million dollars in debt, you need to know, okay, well, why are you half a million dollars in debt without to try to ask them for their pay stubs or W2's and getting that deep into it, just communicate with the person and see what's going on with their finances.

Rob 00:04:33 And those communications. You can tell a lot by someone's demeanor, right? I mean, if they're combative and defensive and annoyed that you're asking about the finances, then that's a good sign that they might be hiding something. I mean, we do consider finances to be something that's very personal these days. Right. So just asking someone out of the blue. So how much did you pay for that car? So how much is your house? So how much money do you make? What's your credit score? What was your tax return? These questions are kind of personal. At least they're considered to be personal questions these days, but on the flip side, if you're looking at getting into a deep relationship with someone, personal questions should not be off the table and you should be willing to answer those same questions in return. In fact, it might even be good to, to show how vulnerable you are by leading with your answer to those questions. Before you expect the answer back from someone,

Winona 00:05:33 And even after asking that person, it's probably best that you do take a financial class.

Rob 00:05:38 Yes, absolutely. And when you, you want to make sure that you're philosophically on the same page of music, that you understand how each other manages your respective bank accounts and monies, because as you get into relationship deeper and deeper, you know, the whole one flesh thing is for real everything, it really is a community when you enter into a deep relationship and marriage. So are you willing to maybe make some adjustments, some compromises to understand how each other works with money to better advance the family as a whole, as opposed to just personal desires? That's really good financial course take it together. But what if you're already married? What if you're already in a deep relationship and then financial distress just rears its ugly head and wrecks your relationship, or at least threatens to what do you do?

Winona 00:06:31 Well, you gotta figure out why you're in financial distress and find ways to get out of it. Find ways to not divorce in the midst of it.

Rob 00:06:39 You know, the enemy is going to attack your marriage any way that he can, right? And one of those ways is by giving us financial distress, because that is one of the primary reasons why people get divorced. So how do you turn the tables on that? I do believe that teamwork, teamwork is the answer to that. Whenever you take a look at a problem, as opposed to pointing fingers and saying, well, you're the problem or you're the problem. If you take a look at it as this is our problem, and we're a team and we're going to tackle that problem, we're going to get it out of the way. And we're still going to reach our goals. We're going to figure this out together. Whenever you can go in with that mindset, there's like nothing that you cannot conquer. There's so much power in the unity of marriage whenever you work together as if you are.

Rob 00:07:26 So I guess the question comes back to if you are single and you meet someone who is in financial distress or you're dating someone and you, or they are in financial distress, the question becomes, do you two have what it takes to team up and conquer it without placing blame, without unpacking past things and saying, well, you should've done this, or you should not have done that. Can you head it off together? Do you have the chemistry to work together as a team to tackle financial issues? That's a good way to look at life in general in a relationship, right? Because if you're not able to do something as simple as face financial distress together, what happens when major health issues come across? There are so many things that are bigger than finances that you could face in your marriage. And if in the dating stage, you have trouble getting over this hump, then that could right there be a red flag that this really isn't the right relationship for you.

Rob 00:08:28 So as you guys have gotten to know us, you realize that we are big proponents of finding true love. In fact, we've got the online course, Five Steps to Find True Love. It's not just a catch phrase. These are things that you do to assure that you are doing the right things to make a good, solid decision. And part of that is making sure that the two of you have the focus have heart to work through anything together. And that's part of the reason why we developed this course to begin with before I even met one, a part of the reason why I wanted something like this is because I had seen too many relationships where the person I was seeing, I thought we were serious. They said that they love you, but then when things go bad in some other area of your life, they just don't want to work through it. That is not what a long-term relationship is made of. And so I found my true love in Winona, and yes, we have worked through some tough things, but we do it together. As a team.