Episode Transcript (beta)
How to Avoid Divorce
Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce
By the time you get to the divorce decision, that decision usually makes sense. But what often doesn't make sense is how you got there at all! You were once in love with the future as your playground, but now you either initiate or concede the end of your marriage. Hear Winona's and Rob's respective stories, and receive some tips on how to avoid this fate.
HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE
Speaker 0 00:00:02 Hello. We are the promise of love bringing to you the love effect, a podcast that brings you real insight and real stories about real relationships. Speaker 1 00:00:15 Well, it's Robin Wynnona and we want to be a little bit of transparent with you all. This is something a little different than what we normally do in our podcasts, because January, January is it's a month that a lot of people filed for divorce. Speaker 2 00:00:32 It's the beginning of divorce, season eight. It is, as I understand it, we both went through divorces before we met. Yes. And this time of year was particularly rough for you. Yes. What was your experience? Speaker 1 00:00:49 Let me unpack a little bit about my story married for quite some time and didn't think anything was going on. They think he thing was wrong. Hi, ever the end of the year, like on new year's Eve, I got the whopping. I just don't love you anymore. I was a little bit shocked. Um, I guess a little bit, you know, where I was a lot shocked, um, devastated. Cause it didn't seem like anything was wrong. However, there was a lot of red flags, but you just sometimes tend to just overlook the red flags by the way don't ever overlook the red flags. We also have that in our honey. What did we have that in Speaker 2 00:01:40 Five steps to find true love online course. Exactly. So flags. Yeah, Speaker 1 00:01:45 Red flags. All right, let me get back to it. So not only did the divorce slowly start happening, it happens new year's Eve new year's day, decided to go ahead and leave and the rest of the story. Wow. Very interesting. Speaker 2 00:02:05 So let me get this straight and I'm going to fill in some gaps here. Go ahead. You received this announcement on new year's Eve. Yes. You thought you're going to be popping champagne and have fun with the family and Jesse opposite. Just the opposite. And then he left the house on new year's day. Starting the new year with a new woman. Yes. And then when did you receive the divorce papers? Ran Valentine's day. There you go. There it is. Yeah. So I know you as a particularly strong believer, you are very much in love with Christ. Speaker 1 00:02:44 Yes. And all Speaker 2 00:02:45 Around us, whether it be internet pundents or religious figures or whomever, you hear all around us, God hates divorce. You hear people saying divorce is wrong in a Christian Church. And some practices even forbid and we'll stop acknowledging you because a member of the church, because you got a divorce. Yes. So how do you reconcile that with your having gotten a divorce? How do you reconcile your Christianity and your divorce? How do those two things co-exist Speaker 1 00:03:19 I actually have to back it up just a little bit. So I happened to be married twice before you are my third husband. What really? Okay. So it really bothered me the first divorce, because I have been following Christ since I was nine years of age. So very, very young. So what happened at the first divorce was a lot of abuse, a lot of physical, emotional, verbal. It was just a lot of abuse. So because of my belief, I stayed with a person because I was not grounded. I was not grounded in my religion or my belief. Like I should have been with saying that I stayed with all that abusive, stay with everything because the way I was raised, as you never, ever divorced. So it did, it bothered me. But then I actually come to the realization. There is a few things God does not like divorce. However, being all, but losing your life. God doesn't want that to happen either Speaker 2 00:04:31 On our very first date. Of course I asked you, I asked why did you divorce? You were divorced twice before Speaker 1 00:04:40 We met. Yes. And I asked Speaker 2 00:04:42 You about each one. What was the cause of your divorce? Why did you follow through with it? Do you remember what you gave me a quick short answer? No. No. Do you remember the importance of why I asked you that? Speaker 1 00:04:56 Well, you have to see how long make sure we wasn't going to get divorced. Speaker 2 00:05:01 You said for the first one, um, uh, there was a lot of infidelity. Speaker 1 00:05:05 Yes. Infidel. The abuse. Yes. And the second one you were flat out abandoned. Yes. And abandoned. Speaker 2 00:05:12 Yeah, there was, of course there was infidelity in the second one and then abandonment. And I had already looked into this topic for my own, uh, for my own faith. And I realized that there were, there are two occasions that the guy will actually acknowledge a divorce. And one of them is sexual immorality that is spoken by Christ himself. It's in red ink about that. And then, uh, Paul, the apostle adds on to that, um, with the spirit speaking through him that if you are abandoned by an unbeliever, you are not bound by that marriage. And so that's what happened to you in both of your cases, you were abandoned by a non-believer and um, actually in both cases there was sexual immorality. Speaker 1 00:06:01 Yes. That's why I said it at first, it kind of bothered me because I was like, I didn't know that, which is, you know, he just was talking about, so I was down on myself. I was like, what have I done? Why did I divorce? Why did I just stay in all the craziness? Well, I wanted to know what your policy was. I know, you know? Speaker 2 00:06:23 No, cause you know, as much as you loved me on that first date, you know, I know I was just like the most amazing man you had ever laid eyes on and you were like thrilled out of your mind. I mean, rule rolling up in that Ford flex. Yeah, I was, I was the catch. Right. But there was going to be some day where I kind of rubbed you the wrong way, where you are not completely enamored with me. And for a lot of people is that moment in time that they decided, you know what, I'm not happy anymore. I'm going to file for divorce. Yeah. So I wanted to see what your policy was Speaker 1 00:07:10 And Speaker 2 00:07:10 The policy was observed through your practice yes. Of how you made your decision or how you came to the point of Speaker 1 00:07:18 All right. So what about you honey? Never this podcast we're being transparent parents. Yes. Speaker 2 00:07:27 All right. Well, about three and a half years before I divorced, uh, I discovered that, uh, there was quite a bit of infidelity and whenever I found out first, that was my point of being devastated. You had your falling out, just crying your eyes out after he said I'm leaving. Yes. I had that moment three and a half years before the decision to divorce and something told me to, to seek, to seek understanding, find out what's going on, how much infidelity is there and then see if you can get this to work. And I did it extend that olive branch of forgiveness. Yes. But you know, three years later, our relationship really had not changed. The, the show of love didn't really make a difference. There was still maybe not sexual immorality, but there was infidelity, which is not necessarily Speaker 1 00:08:24 I, the question I would have then are you for sure that it stopped actually. Speaker 2 00:08:29 Now you asked the question. I don't know that for sure. But I do know that there was a point when I realized that we are not going anywhere. There was no remorse for what was done. And as I'm growing deeper and deeper into my relationship with Christ, the apostle Paul does say that a believing husband can lift up a non-believing wife. Yes. So I wasn't that strong in walk yet to be honest. And I felt this urge to go further than I could with her. And so I, I made the decision to, uh, to divorce for me, it was based on infidelity, sexual immorality. So in that respect, uh, did recognize it does recognize that divorce. Yes. After we meant that I, I probably could have stuck in there. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference to stay longer, but it's always an option. You know, in both of these cases, I should say, I should, I should say all three of these cases, sexual immorality was a part of it. It was whenever you're married, what drives a spouse to sexual MRI? Speaker 1 00:09:37 Oh honey. Woo. That part right there. So I have heard that your spouse doesn't look good anymore or Ferrari is not going to stay. Looking in pristine condition is going to age. Right. Parts are going to age now. So yeah, I'm kind of comparing a little bit. I love cars. So, you know, you know, I'll get a little funny, but getting back to the reality of it, a person thinks that are you going to stay looking a certain way? It's like, are you life? Well, you're not going to look 20 forever. You know, that's one thing about the changing of, of your body. Okay. So then they think that, that the grass is greatest. So let me just get somebody else that the body looks good. So therefore that means to go to go with somebody younger, or if it's not the out the outward appearance of a person you're not intelligent. What does that even mean? Speaker 2 00:10:36 You know, there's a certain theory that I subscribed to. And that is that whenever you get too familiar with somebody, exactly, you stopped seeing them. And when you study you too comfortable. Yes. And so whenever you stop, whenever you stop feeling like you are seen in your marriage, it's all too tempting to go outside of your marriage, to find someone who will see you. And then once you start down that slippery slope, Flint, someone sees you and you feel that attraction. You feel that, that thing that was missing where at home I'm not seen, but by this person, they see me, they touch me. They want me, and you get pulled into this. Not really falling in love with the person that they are, but more so falling in love with the attention that you're getting. Speaker 1 00:11:32 Exactly. But however, it's not going to stay new. That's true. That's true. It is not going to stay new forever and everything that glitters does not mean it is cold. Speaker 2 00:11:46 Um, because you are such a car buff. Oh yes, I will. I will use this analogy with you sometimes. There is this amazingly great looking car. What was your first, what kind of car actually is more or less a truck. Oh, okay. Slightly country here. I love trucks. So let's say that, uh, you got your eye on this great big Yukon Denali. Oh, okay. And you decide, it looks so beautiful with those Chrome window rooms. Lopez profile tires is it's just polished and waxed and it's, Leeming in the sun, even though it's jet black is perfect and you get in the car and you love being seen in this car. You love being seen with this car. And then you try to turn on your Bluetooth. It doesn't have Bluetooth. And then you go and you try to use GPS. It, it, it doesn't have that feature either. Speaker 2 00:12:52 Hmm. Then you try to get in a loader of a bunch of people in the car and you realize, well, the bucket seats in the second row and the throat, third row just isn't working out. I could only carry three passengers with me in this car. And all of a sudden, you start to realize that the utility of this sport utility vehicle, isn't what you thought it would be. You loved how it looked, but on an everyday basis, you go fill up at the tank at the gas pump. And you're like there for 30 minutes waiting for it to fill up. And you got $120 bill. So what is going on here? Yeah. So what looked beautiful on the outside? And you saw yourself creamed about being with that car when you have it home on a day to day basis is not all you thought it would be, but when you're in it, you're there there's stuck. Speaker 2 00:13:50 That can lead to a divorce or a breakup as well. So as far as things that lead to divorce, you know, being seen feeling wanted. Yeah. Yeah. That is very important. You have to. Yeah. Yeah. You do. Yeah. You know, one of the things that we look at in the steps to find true love course is the concept of a merit based versus a grace based relationship. A lot of us, a lot of people get married because of the merit. She does this for me. It feels good. I want that the rest of my life. He does that for me. I like that. It feels good. It makes me feel loved. I want that for the rest of my life. And then whenever one or the other stops fulfilling that contract, then you start to ask yourself, well, why didn't I get married now? She used to cook for me every day after work, before we got married and now we're married. If I don't cook is takeout. Why? Why is she not cook? She has not fulfilling the contract. The implied contract that we had because I thought she was going to be cooking for me. That's what, that's how she sold herself to me to begin with. And now that we're married, it's gone. Speaker 1 00:15:02 And that's a Mary base marriage. That is merit-based. Now let's talk about grace, grace based marriage. Speaker 2 00:15:10 So on the flip case where he used to bring flowers, uh, at least once a week. Just chocolate. Okay. Chocolate flowers, perhaps Speaker 1 00:15:22 Chocolate candy. Okay. Speaker 2 00:15:24 Chocolate covered strawberries. Oh, there you go. Speaker 1 00:15:29 Oh, and chocolate co bananas. Oh, I'm sorry. Speaker 2 00:15:31 He keeps bringing, he bring them at least once a week. Yeah. At least twice a month before you get married. And then after marriage, you might get a flower on a special occasion under the guise of a we're trying to save, you know, whenever I buy flowers for you, I'm spending your money too. So you know, all these justifications coming, everything, the question becomes, are you married because of those things, because of that contract, because you're your merit or do you love the way we were taught to love as Christ loves us? And that's the grace that's grace. It doesn't matter if you're bringing me flowers or chocolate or cooking me dinner. It doesn't matter the gifts that you're bringing me. Exactly. I love you because God loves me. I love you because God loves me. There you go. And one of the reasons I recognize his love for me is the gift of you in my life. Speaker 2 00:16:37 Oh, so, well, I had to say it. And you know, as we go through our marriages with that mindset, you know, seasons like this, the divorce season actually would not have to exist. Yeah. We would see each other, not just on anniversaries and birthdays, but we would see each other every day. We would never feel the need to leave the marriage to be seen. And in that we stopped doing things with the hope of having something done for us in return, we do it just for the pure love in our hearts for our spouses. Isn't it just wonderful when you can find that kind of love in someone that you're dating. Hold on to that. Oh. And if you've lost that kind of love in your marriage, you can generate that again. All you have to do is turn away from whatever is taking your attention. Turn away from that turn to God and look at God through your spouse. Speaker 2 00:17:46 If I can look in your eyes on me and I can see love and I could feel it in my heart, I know it in my spirit, there is no reason to ever stray. There's no reason to ever want to go to the courthouse. Exactly. So, yes, as we start into this divorce season, uh, we want to draw upon our own experiences. Keep drawing your attention of course, to the five steps to find true love course. And you know, we're going to help you through this. If you are experiencing divorce, just come back and tune in. We're going to continue to give you insights through this season. Um, if, if divorce is threatening and knocking at your door, you get some ideas and tips here to keep that in me away and rebuild your relationship, rebuild your marriage from the inside out. Yeah, because if there was love there, once, if there was truly loved there, once it's not gone, just don't give up on it. We'll see you there. Speaker 0 00:18:46 Next time. Speaker 2 00:18:53 The whole point of the five steps to find true love course is to minimize or hopefully even eliminate the threat of divorce in your relationship. So check it [email protected] And now this series on divorce aftercare 2021 begins with this episode E 19 that's E one nine dot steps to find true love.com or tune into the love effect on your favorite podcast platform.