Episode Transcript (beta)

Enduring Divorce

Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

Whether you've concluded that divorce is the better option, or if you simply had no choice in the matter, you have some tough times ahead. The months ahead can bring you to levels of isolation, anger, and jadedness that can truly wreck your life. But this is not the end; it's a new beginning. Learn how to navigate these waters.

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Enduring Divorce
Speaker 2 00:00:12 As we unpack these thoughts about how to get through your divorce, we pray that you have listened to and sincerely considered our previous two episodes on backing off from divorce. Speaker 0 00:00:23 You got to know, we do not encourage divorce, but if you have to go through it, we do encourage hoping healing. Honey, what was the roughest part of your divorce process? Speaker 2 00:00:36 Well, I I'd have to say that the worst part was the initial shock. And for me, the initial shock came actually years before the divorce. It was the moment in time when I was faced with the truth that my spouse had betrayed me. Kylie, whenever you have that initial revelation, that things were never going to be the same. Again, one of my best friends told me this is the end of what you knew, but it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. And that there's going to be some things that you're going to have to work through to get through this. And you both are going to need to do so. And there's going to be some growth necessary, some change necessary. And if those changes are not going to happen, then yes, things are going to go completely off the rails. But whenever I felt that initial feeling of betrayal, that's, I'd say where my heart changed. Maybe even my heart hardened a bit. And it was difficult for me to give it back to a good place. I tried, I tried for years, but it almost seems like the attempts were on we're, we're kind of one sided. And I kind of fell flat on my face in those attempts. And so we ended up going to final conclusion. But how about for you? How did you get through the delivery was a surprise because there was no, apparently leading up to it, Speaker 0 00:01:58 Zero leading up to it. How'd that go? The initial shock it almost what actually did feel like somebody just took your heart out of your chest. Love at that timeframe for me depleted. Wow. That was the first time I ever felt I could not love. I felt like I couldn't love again. Anything, anybody or about yourself? Anything or anybody? Not even myself. I felt the love being completely drawn out of my body. It was a weird feeling. So you Speaker 2 00:02:34 Weren't just hurt, you were damaged. Speaker 0 00:02:36 Oh yes. Completely damaged because God made me such a loving person. It actually was very scary to have the love strong out like that. So what got you through that? Speaker 2 00:02:49 Well, at first it was hope. And as I mentioned, I held onto that hope for several years, trying to make some changes, some adjustments trying to seek and, and offer forgiveness. But, um, clearly we never healed. We never got past that. Speaker 0 00:03:05 But again, you also said that when it comes to the point of your relationship is one-sided someone once told me a really good friend of mine that it's like, you are in a boxing ring and you stand in the ring by yourself. Where's your opponent. Your opponent is not there sparring with you anymore. You are standing there by yourself. Speaker 2 00:03:32 And you know, that initial shot, I mean, of course you have to go to your support system, but that's actually, for me, that was the second worst part of this process. Because whenever you reach out to someone, you want their guidance, you want their insights, you want their compassion, but you don't want their pity. And they definitely don't want their judgment because every divorce has two sides to it. I mean, it takes two to tango, right? How can you look at yourself? I takes a very, very big person to look at themselves and say, I know what she did was wrong, but I had S I somehow contributed to her decision to do that. Speaker 0 00:04:14 Yes. So when that happens, you cannot say that all the divorce was just all your spouse. You have to realize that you did have some part in what happened with your marriage. You had to do. Speaker 2 00:04:28 And, you know, as in that pit of despair for weeks, even months, and what, what prolonged my time in the pit was I didn't go to my support system and say, guys help. I was too embarrassed to say that my wife cheated on me a lot. I internalized it and I let it fester to grow worse. And maybe if I had reached out, maybe if I had sought some healing from my support system earlier, the marriage could have been saved. I don't know, but by the time I let us just sit on my soul and I found out how deep the rabbit hole went. I was very much like you were, I don't know that I can love again. Yeah. Maybe just maybe if I had not been so inward looking, I might have been able to express forgiveness sooner rather than later. I don't know. That's hard to say at this point, but how was it for you reaching out for after your support group? What, what was your initial outreach and how were you received? Speaker 0 00:05:35 Well, the first outreach, uh, on first person, I kind of outreach after it happened was actually, um, a friend of mine that we had pretty much had just, I think we'd probably only known each other, maybe just, uh, probably a couple of months. Um, again had no clue. So I kind of reached out to her and, you know, we talked a little bit and then she, I, because she wasn't to her. So she didn't really know what, how to respond because she was kind of going through craziness with her husband at the time and had been going with, you know, off and on with issues and stuff with him. So course now, thank goodness they're better. And, you know, however, seven, then I have a really great friend more than she's. She's not just my friend. Basically I call her sister. We had been knowing each other for over 18 plus years and stuff. Speaker 0 00:06:22 So it was able, I was able to reach out to her and she with open arms, it was like, I need for you just to come. So you could rest because she knew that I was not resting. So it was really great for, you know, for me to have such a great sister friend. So having that chance to rest, and it was just knowledge, just rest of my body, but I need to rest of my mind so that I can get collect my thoughts and stuff. And then after that, um, I have three really close friends and I was with matter of fact, close through where we're sisters. Um, also they really, when I was in the pit, because it seemed like from that time, it seemed like our whole year, it was our whole year, if not longer, but there was definitely a whole year of our process that I did not. I was in the pit. I didn't think I ever was going to get out of that pit. And without all of those ladies and Karen gin, me too, you know, when I wanted to sit down, it was like, no, I need for you to stand up and fight. You know, it is not so much, Friday was not so much to fight for the marriage because at the time I knew that the marriage was being dissolved. It was more or less fight to keep your sanity and to really focus on. Speaker 2 00:07:39 Got it. Ah, so it wasn't fighting to get him back. It was fighting to get yourself. Speaker 0 00:07:45 It was full. Yes. It's fighting to get back me because in all honesty, I didn't realize even through that process, I had lost myself. Yeah. And losing yourself because you with somebody for so long, you do what they want to do. Then when you have children, you do what that, you know, you, you do stuff with, you know, for your children and then when your children are gone and then your marriage is gone, literally, it was like, who am I? And then it was to then to go through the divorce. It was really was like, okay, you really got to find out who you are and it's not getting, it's not just finding out who you are, but you gas to find out who you are in Christ. But then there is their anger, the angry stage. Right. So how do you avoid losing yourself, your anger and desire to win at all costs? Speaker 2 00:08:40 Wow. No, that's a good question. You know, at first, as I mentioned, I went to the pit of despair and I dug deep to Seattle the far, the rabbit hole, when I woke up more and more wrapped around the feeling of betrayal. And at one point I just confronted the situation. No one was talking about divorce at the time, but I could have reacted to say, I know what you did and I'm done. But instead I asked, what do you want? And she said, of all the things that I did, I, I did want to be with you. I want to stay with you. I said, okay, well, let's work on this during the process of working on it. That's when my anger grew because things really were not changing. And it's a point of, Hey, I want to work on this. You get a little spark of hope. Hey, maybe this can work out. But then that hope as it fades, it does get replaced with anger. At least it did for me. And so by the time we got a couple, few years down the road, I was like, there was no hope here. My spark of hope is gone. My spark for this marriage is gone. I don't see where there's any remorse where there's any change of behavior. Speaker 0 00:09:55 So no change of heart. I have a question. So why did she say that then? You know, divorce is a scary thing. It is okay. Speaker 2 00:10:02 There, there brings a stigma with divorce. There is the fear of, am I going to lose my children? Am I going to lose my house? Is he going to try and take everything? Because whenever those fears were removed, then there wasn't really still wasn't any marriage magic in the marriage. And so by the time I got there and I said, well, this is, this is not working. A friend of mine pointed out to me a concept it's actually in scripture. If someone takes your tunic, give them your shirt. And it was an acknowledgement that anything in this marriage that is material, it can be replaced. And so years later, after the divorce, some people ask, well, how could you leave that behind? How could you leave this behind? That was a great thing. Uh, this material object that you had, why do you not have it? And I would explain the marriage. Wasn't about the material stuff. If God wants me to have it, he'll bring that or something better into my life later on. Speaker 0 00:11:05 Actually, that, that statement is so true. He will bring you, um, he actually bring you a lot more, a lot more than what you had at first. Speaker 2 00:11:15 Now my divorce lawyer that was in his office one day and he pointed out that at a floor plant, isn't an artificial floor plan. It wasn't particularly pretty. And he looked at that and he says, you know what? That plant costs $10,000. I said what he says, yeah, there is a guy, one of the, one of the clients wanted that plan. He and his wife fought back and forth over that plant. They spent up so many hours in lawyer fees that they racked up $10,000 of fees just for that plant. Wow. And then after the divorce, the client brought the plant into the lawyer's office and said, I want you to have this. And the lawyer said, what? You just spent $10,000 to get that plan. Why don't you want it? He says, I don't want it. I just didn't want her to have it Speaker 0 00:12:08 Crazy. I Speaker 2 00:12:09 Was like, wow. And I realized I had not gotten to that place and never got to the place where I wanted to hurt her. Yeah. I just wanted to heal myself. I wanted to heal and get, become whole again and live for what we were meant to live for. Yeah. It was years later that someone showed me that I was idolizing my romantic relationships. I had put my marriage above my relationship with God. Okay. Speaker 0 00:12:39 You'd never do that. Never, never, ever, ever. Speaker 2 00:12:44 And so, as it was fading away, I actually became invalidated. I, I didn't feel that validation of my marriage anymore, but I knew that there was something more than my marriage. And maybe that's what, maybe that's what was my lesson of that whole process? Speaker 0 00:12:59 Maybe my bad. That was your list of the whole process. Speaker 2 00:13:03 Let us know the whole prop. Well, there's a few lessons. There's a few lessons. How about you? How did you avoid wanting to rip everything away from him for abandoning you Speaker 0 00:13:15 Again? That anchor did come, but when that anger came in, I did feel like I wanted to do that. I had a lot of support system around me, my sisters, when I was having those moments, I was able to text or call and say, I feel like doing all of this. And they helped me off the ledge. They all helped me off the ledge. And I have to add, you know, I really have had a really close friend that really helped. I was really severely depressed after know the, the, uh, the initial shock. And I was just going to get in my car and just, just let it all go. And I say, we all know what that means. I don't have to go into great detail. And she talked to me off the ledge. It was, it was, um, very eye opening to actually pull my car over and stop and listen to this wonderful woman of God. Okay. Speaker 2 00:14:15 Yeah. So it sounds like the recurring theme here to endure divorce yeah. Is to lean on your support system. Yes. Pity doesn't matter. The judgment doesn't matter. Your true friends are not going to go there. So don't fear it. But if you can reach out to someone who can give you some, some sane, some Sage insight and calm you down or talk you down from the edge, give you some advice about what's really important. Now those are the things that are going to help someone get through the divorce process that will help them avoid becoming bitter in the process. Speaker 0 00:14:55 You really know the people that has your back during that timeframe, or have to sit in on. So some people probably just want to run away, but like, I'll know she's going through. Some things I'd have time for it. But at the, I really had a lot, a lot of them, some of them is, some of them are very close to me, very, very close. And then even the ones that are not close close, but I still, I had a lot of women that they helped me through all this. So I really, they want to say thank you. So if you listen to it, thank you. So go ahead. I'm sorry. Speaker 2 00:15:30 No, no, that's good. That's good. All right. Let's face it. Whether, whether you feel rejected or liberated, divorces, ugly. Yes it is. And when, when you get right down to it, when it's done, right, it's not meant to be dismantled. Marriage was not meant to be torn apart. And no one wants to think that they're wrong. If you go to Mark 10 verse, was it first nine? I think it tells us what God put together. Let no man tear apart. But have you ever asked yourself, did God put your marriage together or did you formulate your own agenda and your own reasons to form your own union? Why will you submit to him next time? Will you submit to him and let him guide you to him next time? I want to, at some point you said it yourself, you didn't think you could love anybody. You didn't think you could even love yourself. Yeah. Since you allowed yourself to let God see back into your heart and your soul, you realize that there is still a lot of love to give. Speaker 0 00:16:37 Yeah. And that last statement you just said is, um, would you submit to him and let him guide you to the next time, if it's his will, I actually said, whatever your will is God, as I'm driving to work, I said, what if it's not, my wheel is your will. So if it's your will, if it's marriage is done complete and over SU that is that's your will I, it's not my will, whatever your will has got. And then I'm going obey. And depending on you, cause I first, it was just like, Oh no, I want it. I want to keep it. I want to keep it. I want to keep it again. Remember I said, stand in the ring and you find for yourself, but that's not a fight. If you fighting yourself, that kind of looks, you kind of look crazy if you're trying to fight yourself. But anyway, I said, this is whatever your will is. Speaker 2 00:17:26 Wow. Cause there was a period there where I was trying to will myself into another relationship. Speaker 0 00:17:32 That's probably not the best thing to do. Speaker 2 00:17:34 And I thought that I had found someone who was, who I was meant to be with. But when you get right down to it, that relationship was once again of my making, it was of my own agenda. I did not go through a of saying, God, bring to me who you have chosen for me. If you have chosen anyone for me at all, I didn't make those kinds of specifications or I didn't, I didn't think along those lines, I just thought, Hey, let me fill this void in my life. And that'd be cute and fun to talk to. But the whole really was the void really was not having a relationship with Christ. When I started having that relationship, the romantic relationships mattered less and less and whenever they mattered less and less, they became deeper. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Speaker 0 00:18:26 It makes it so basically the, the void was filled with God, indeed it was. And everything else fell into place. Speaker 2 00:18:35 Now the whole point of the five steps to find true love online course is to minimize and hopefully eliminate the threat of divorce in your relationship. Yes, this heartbreak is avoidable. See man, we're not meant to be alone. Speaker 0 00:18:53 That's right. The hope and healing module is the perfect place to start after a divorce or a serious breakup. Speaker 2 00:18:59 So check it [email protected] Now, as Wynonna mentioned, when we first opened, we do not encourage divorce, but you can get through this. This episode is produced to help you endure and grow during your night season. Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect. Respectfully. We ask you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you really like some detailed guidance on how to find and confirm true love, come visit [email protected] That's www.stepstofindtruelove.com blessings to you.